The magic of asking “How did that make you feel?”

This simple question is such a useful addition to your parenting toolkit. It helps you stay more connected to your child, while deepening their emotional awareness.

Parenting is full of moments that shape how children understand themselves and the world around them. While guiding them through life’s ups and downs, one of the most powerful tools you can use is the simple question “How did that make you feel?” These six words invite kids to explore their emotions and have a go at articulating their experiences – which will develop their confidence to express themselves.

By asking this question, you’re helping your child build up their understanding of emotional intelligence, their problem-solving skills and their sense of security in the relationship between you. Whether they’re facing a tricky situation at school, navigating the ups and downs of friendships or celebrating an achievement, this question encourages kids to reflect on their feelings and learn from their experiences.

Building emotional intelligence 

Understanding and managing emotions is a central life skill. Asking “How did that make you feel?” encourages children to pause and consider their emotional response to a situation, rather than reacting impulsively. Over time, this practice helps them recognise patterns in their feelings, allowing them to handle challenges with greater awareness.

For example, if your child has an argument with their brother or sister, rather than immediately offering a solution, try asking, “How did that make you feel?” This simple shift allows them to name their emotions and process them in a healthy way. The old adage “A burden shared is a burden halved” also comes into play here. Sometimes when kids have an opportunity to get something off their chest, it actually diffuses the situation hugely! When children regularly reflect on their feelings, they develop emotional resilience, and this is certain to serve them well in adulthood.

Encouraging children to name their emotions also improves their self-awareness. When they can put words to their feelings, they gain a clearer understanding of their emotional triggers and reactions. This, in turn, helps them develop self-regulation skills that are essential for handling frustration, disappointment and conflict in a more constructive way.

Open communication 

Young people need to feel heard and understood to develop strong communication skills. By regularly asking “How did that make you feel?” you create a safe space where they know their emotions are valued. Over time, this teaches kids that their thoughts and feelings matter, making them more likely to open up to you in the future.

If your child comes home from school looking upset, instead of saying, “You look sad, what happened?”, try asking, “How did that make you feel?” This approach avoids assumptions and allows your son or daughter to express themselves in their own words. Over time, they’ll learn that they can always turn to you for support, which is the best way to continually grow their trust in you.

Consistently using this question also strengthens your relationship with your child. When children know they can talk openly about their emotions without fear of being dismissed or judged, they are more likely to turn to you in times of need – and this sense of trust and emotional safety is the foundation of a strong parent-child bond.

Navigating friendships

Friendships can be both joyful and challenging for children. Most young people experience social anxiety or worry at some point during their growing up years. Encouraging kids to explore their emotions helps them navigate any tricky social situations that come up with greater confidence. If your child tells you about a disagreement with a friend, rather than jumping in with advice, try saying, “That sounds tricky. How did that make you feel?”

This approach helps children process their experiences before seeking a solution. They might realise they felt left out, frustrated or confused, which makes it easier to decide what to do next. By guiding them to recognise their feelings, you’re giving them the tools to handle friendships more independently.

It also encourages children to reflect on their behaviour and how their actions impact others. If they’ve been unkind to a friend, you could ask, “How do you think that made them feel?” to help your child be more empathetic and take some accountability. Over time, this habit of reflection will contribute to stronger, more meaningful relationships.

Celebrating positive moments

Asking “How did that make you feel?” isn’t just for difficult situations. It’s just as important to encourage your child to reflect on their happy moments too! When they share good news, taking a moment to ask how they feel reinforces their achievements and helps them savour positive experiences.

For instance, if your child wins a prize at school, it’s normal to say “Well done!” However, try to ask, “How did that make you feel?” instead. This gives them space to express their excitement and pride, making the moment even more special. It also teaches them to recognise and appreciate their accomplishments, which is an easy way to boost their self-esteem in the long run.

Encouraging children to recognise and express their positive emotions also promotes gratitude and optimism. When they take a moment to reflect on joyful experiences, they are more likely to develop a positive outlook on life and a deeper appreciation for the good things around them – a win-win!

Teaching empathy

Understanding emotions isn’t just about self-awareness – it also plays a key role in developing empathy skills. When children learn to identify and express their feelings, they become better at recognising emotions in others. This helps them build stronger relationships and develop their sense of compassion.

An interesting parenting move that encourages empathy is to flip the question. If your child tells you about a friend who was upset, ask, “How do you think that made them feel?” This helps them consider another person’s perspective and builds their ability to connect with others emotionally. Over time, this practice will help them become more considerate and understanding individuals.

Regularly engaging in these conversations also helps kids become better problem-solvers. When they learn to consider different perspectives, they develop the ability to navigate conflicts with greater flexibility, understanding and sensitivity.

Managing disappointment

Disappointments are a natural part of life! Learning how to process them is an important and often overlooked skill. Whether it’s losing a game, missing out on an invitation or struggling with schoolwork, children need support to understand their emotions and move forward.

Instead of immediately reassuring them with “It’s okay, don’t be sad,” try saying, “That must have been hard. How did that make you feel?” This acknowledges their emotions and gives them permission to express their sadness or frustration. Once they’ve had a chance to process their feelings, they’ll be in a better place to discuss possible solutions or ways to handle similar situations in the future.

By making space for children to express their feelings of disappointment, you are also teaching them resilience. They learn that setbacks are a normal part of life and that emotions are temporary, which helps them develop a stronger sense of perseverance.

Strengthening your bond

At its root, asking “How did that make you feel?” shows your child that you care about their experiences and emotions – a surefire way to create a deeper sense of connection and trust between you both. When children know they can share their feelings without fear of judgement, they feel more secure in their relationship with you.

This question also reassures them that their emotions are valid. Even if their feelings seem small or fleeting to an adult, taking the time to listen helps children feel seen and understood. Over time, this lays the foundation for open communication in later years.

A lifelong habit

Encouraging your child to reflect on their feelings isn’t just about childhood – it’s a skill they’ll carry into adulthood. By making “How did that make you feel?” a regular part of your conversations, you’re helping your child develop emotional intelligence, resilience and empathy. Whether they’re navigating friendships, making big decisions or handling challenges at work, the ability to understand and express emotions will always be valuable.

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